I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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