Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize