Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize