her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
