I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
