we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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