I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
