My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
