Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize