I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
