If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
