i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
