how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
