All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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