I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize