Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
