I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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