erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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