highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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