i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
