pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize