those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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