I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
