dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
