the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
