I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
