You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
