I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
