At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You ruined the universe
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize