The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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