Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize