He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
