just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
