so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
