this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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