True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
