I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I checked into jail on foursquare
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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