this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I pour the whiskey from now on
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
