I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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