Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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