I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Randomize
