My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Drunk is not a location!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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