i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize