I've blown a few things in my day
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize