This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
