i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
