I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
