i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize