I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
So here I am, sexting at work.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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