Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
