guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
