I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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