So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
