you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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