last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
