I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
