Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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