evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
