The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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