When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize