i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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