I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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