a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
