I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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