tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
