Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I pour the whiskey from now on
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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