I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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