turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
