no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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