it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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