Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
