We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize