Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
